February 15, 2009

Day After Valentine's Day Day

It is time to celebrate!  The holiday is finally here.  My favorite holiday of the entire year (well, Mole Day competes with it, but since that thoroughly establishes me as a geek, I’m not sure I’m ready to admit to the fact that I celebrate a holiday celebrating a number used in chemistry and a small furry animal EVERY SINGLE YEAR without fail and even have been known to wake people up at 6:10 AM just to yell “Happy Mole Day”, giggle sheepishly, hang-up, and start dialing my next unsuspecting victim.  [Awkward pause]  Yeah… I’d never admit to that.  So… back to my favorite holiday) Day After Valentines Day Day (or DAVDD for those of us in the know ;-).

Last time I sent my traditional DAVDD letter out, I got a startling response from one of my good friends, Phillip, from New Zealand.  “I’ve never heard of Day After Valentine’s Day.”  (you’ll have use your imagination here since I’ve never learned to write with a New Zealand accent.  Girls, maybe you shouldn’t be imagining the accent… it might get distracting from the real meat of this statement.)  “See here in New Zealand we just celebrate %#&*#@*.”  Here Phillip used a word that I cannot repeat.  Poor Phillip.  Well, I decided as a special treat to all my international friends (yes, that is only Phillip and Amanda, but you’re missing the point) and for the sake of all those poor souls here in America that still aren’t celebrating this under-appreciated holiday, I will teach you all about DAVDD in hopes that Saint Nicholas soon will be there (sorry, random holiday cross-over verbal spew.  That happens to me sometimes.  Really, just wait till Thanksgiving, when I always blurt out “Happy Halloween” and then, feeling like a moron, slam my face into the gravy hoping nobody noticed.) you can all come together over this holiday celebrating love… of CHOCOLATE!!!

Day After Valentines Day Day has a traditional tag line just like Christmas (Merry Christmas!), New Years (Hap-py New Years!), Birthdays (Happy Birthday!), and Easter (Happy Easter!)(Yes, we Americans are pretty creative with our holiday taglines).  For DAVDD you will see this tagline all over town: “50% Off Chocolate”.  It’s traditional to put this on banners, signs, glossy circulars in the Sunday paper, and anywhere else someone might see it.  I use to hang one on my front door, but after a number of odd visits where people came into my house uninvited and seemed rather perturbed to find only my couch, lamps, and my Tigger collection (which is uber cute!) they stormed out again muttering something about “bait and switch.”  So these days, I choose to celebrate in the most common place for DAVDD – the chocolate shops!  I get up early in the morning, and I…

HOLD THE PHONE.  Did I just use the word uber?  Really did that come out of me?  I don’t think that is going to help my case for being a manly man.  Shoot, and I was doing so well in this letter seeming cool and manly.  Well, at least everyone doesn’t know that I’m moving to San Francisco next week, cause then they’d really start to worry about me.  Yeah, I better not bring that one up.

Anyway, Day After Valentine’s Day Day is also a holiday steeped in mystery.  In the spirit of our quick overview of the holiday I will simply list some of those mysteries here and leave in-depth explanations to the experts (which in reality appear to be only me.  So refer to my previous years’ DAVDD letters for explanation).

Inexplicable exhaustion of couples the morning of DAVDD.  Most couples when asked what they were doing the previous night that made them so tired, simply respond, “Oh… nothing.”  Mysterious [said with an Invader Zim like creepy quality] Massive increases in the amount of biodegradable waste on DAVDD including flowers, construction paper, greeting cards, empty chocolate boxes (those poor suckers who couldn’t wait to celebrate DAVDD and bought chocolate a day early.  We know better!), and strange household decorations depicting hearts, lips, words like “love” and “be mine”, and most oddly naked men with bows and arrows. Circular bruising on both men and women on DAVDD, often blamed on a curling iron.  (You know curling iron burns really hurt.  I once got this curling iron burn that…shut up Shut Up SHUT UP.  There I go again with the completely unmanly revelation) An massive increase in Mono-Hyper-Solidarity-Awareness Syndrome – a terrible disease that seems to occur yearly causing singles to fall into a deep depression frequently striking right around the time of DAVDD (good thing we have DAVDD and its endorphin-pumping-chocolate-indulging traditions to save us) A marked increase in break-ups.  In fact, the week of DAVDD has the highest break-up rate of all the year.  All because of DAVDD… Recently scientists also discovered a rash of inappropriate text messages barraging the populace the day before DAVDD.  Thus far, no explanations for this strange behavior – though I do know that one of my dear friends, Ricky, fell victim to the phenomenon this year and couldn’t stop himself from sending inappropriate text messages to his mother-in-law.  Poor Ricky.  We understand the strange power of DAVDD and forgive you.
Happily though, I can announce that this year one of the great mysteries of Day After Valentine’s Day Day has been solved.  For many years, DAVDD researchers have noted that the night previous to the holiday, Americans swarm into restaurants across the country.  Nothing short of some kind of national holiday could affect such a diverse group of people to act in a similar way, so it has long been established that this trend must be associated with DAVDD (though it is worth noting an interesting theory emerged this year: One researcher, who it must be noted is no longer in good standing with the Institute to Debunk the Myth of Valentine’s Day, proposed that Americans were celebrating the return of their TV shows after the historically-moronic “Mid-Season Break” that occurred recently.  Though this is a compelling theory, taking into account the American tendency to rate television as more important than other activities in life – such as exercising, going to work, and breathing – the theory fails to explain why this trend began many years before the “Mid-Season Break” debacle.  When approached with this contradictory fact, the researcher implied that perhaps humans were psychic and have been annually celebrating this return of their television programs because sub-consciously they knew that Hollywood would eventually make the diabolically scheme of “Mid-Season Break”.  He nearly had the entire field of DAVDD researchers convinced when he also causally added that during his research into the “Mid-Season Break” conspiracy, he also discovered that Hulu would turn your brain into mush and that aliens like Alec Baldwin would eat them.  He was summarily tossed into a padded cell where he will be forced to watch Super Bowl commercials for the rest of his life.).  Knowing that the restaurant phenomenon must be associated with DAVDD, researchers this year have uncovered the underlying motivation that drives couples to restaurants on this singular night.  They are trying to expand their stomachs in preparation for DAVDD chocolate celebrations.  By engorging their stomachs with over-priced restaurant food, they are able to increase the volume of chocolate that can be consumed the next day.  This discovery stunned the scientific community, but the nature of the evidence is completely irrefutable.  When asked to present evidence proving their ascertain, the researchers referred to their counterparts – the ex-Bush administration – who insisted that releasing ANY evidence supporting this claim would compromise the American people, but assured us that really there is evidence, and really it is quite nice evidence, and really they’ve all seen it and are really convinced.  See, irrefutable.

So, let us all celebrate this special Day After Valentine’s Day Day when modern science (with the assistance of irrefutable Mephistophelean evidence produced by the ex-administration) have solved one of the mysteries of this beloved holiday.  Rush to your local dispensers of brown ambrosia and indulge in the only remaining drug you can purchase without an ID (I got carded the other day for duct tape.  Yes, duct tape.  And let me tell you that the high I get off of duct tape ain’t nothing compared to the hyper-ecstatic fits I can achieve on chocolate that are only comparable to post-surgical pain-killer overdoses that produced such memorable moments as rollercoaster elevator hysterics, hitting on the nurse, the doctor, and others (yes, for those you who know it was my mother.  Just shut up, I was on drugs), and, of course, Mr. Winky.  Well, this parenthetical has become thoroughly embarrassing, and since I never say anything embarrassing in these letters, let’s just pretend I didn’t admit the above and move on.)


Enjoy the chocolate

Don’t forget to brush

Eat your vegetables

May the Force be with you

Make good choices

And most especially

50% Off Chocolate 

- Josh