It's Amazing What Photoshop Can Do For Your Complextion

So, really let's skip all the boring background and lame "the author complished unheard of success by the time he was potty-trained" and get to the stuff that really matters.  Here's what you need to know about me that will help you appreciate these quibs:

*  I can't spell.  Seriously.  I can't spell (This would be the perfect time make a joke by intentionally misspelling a humorous word, but honetsly, I don't need to embarrass myself anymore than I did with the "fulafel" fiasco in Post Office Appreciation Day this year)

*  I use a lot of paratheticals (like this one here.  I find them extremely convenient to add compelely irrelevant information... or irreverant as the case may be)

*  Every time you see an elipse (...) you have to imagine me pausing and thinking before proceeding.  If you don't add those breaks, you're not going to understand half of what I say.

*  I make up half of what I say - the other half I look up.  you'll never know which is which

*  I can never stay on topic.  I'll always jump around so be ready for it (like that time I saw jumping around after pulling a draw knife into leg before dropping my pants and being tackled by Ricky... of course I desperately hope most of you have no idea what I'm taling about... and NEVER find out)

*  I mention specific friends in my life.  So be forewarned - if you know me, you may end up referenced in one of my holiday letters (and the only way you'll know if I'm teasing you is if you read EVERY SINGLE LETTER I POST HERE!!  Mwa Ha Ha.  That's how I get readers.)

* Read more about me at JoshSchoonmaker.com